What no longer serves me…

Books I did not need to bring home. But I love to read, so I did.

I don’t know where the idea came from, I listen to more podcasts than I can count, see more social media, and posts than is likely healthy, but sometimes ideas stick with me. Hell, it might have been an idea from therapy last spring that has bubbled to the top and is resonating with me now.

Recently, I started looking at patterns in my life that I don’t always like the outcome from. Things I do that ultimately overwhelm me, leave me anxious, or feeling really low.

A very simple example of this is when I eat ice cream or drink a milkshake. Sure it tastes good, but I’m often literally sick for hours afterward. Most dairy just doesn’t agree with me anymore. Why do I keep torturing myself with it?

Another is watching/reading very negative things without palette cleansers in between. (What can I say? I love a good scary movie, thriller novel, or true crime podcast, but I have been known to overindulge in the macabre/thriller. I have noticed it impacts my head and heart. See the portion on Consumption.)

There are bigger and more complicated examples but that’s good enough for now. I have pen/paper journal going to examine triggers, feelings, specific thoughts, physical symptoms etc.

I’m not working to overhaul my life, but I enjoy a good streamlined process so I think (probably slowly) I’m going to streamline my life.

How would you go about this streamlining? The “Does this give me joy?” doesn’t really work for me. There’s the “Would you call an ex to get this back?” method, but if I’m feeling petty and/or annoying I might make the call. 😉

I think what I’m going to use when I go through THINGS is…”If this gets poop* on it, will I wash it or throw it away?” It’s not foolproof, but I think it’ll get me closer to my end goal.

But not the books, shoes, or yarn. Much to Nik’s chagrin.

Okay, maybe some of them.

*Between the writing of this post initially and the posting, I found a mouse dead in a skein of yarn. The whole skein got thrown away.

I have returned

The West Coast was amazing.

A quick trip to VA was intense, but beautiful.

I have read more books than I can even remember this summer.

Today is the first day of school for so many kiddos. Some have been back for awhile, but locally, I’m seeing tons of back to school photos this week.

I know fall is supposed to lead to the end of the year, but for so many years it was the start of something new.

What do I want to do now is the question…

Cal’s school has a mandatory 30 minute quiet time learning period. The intent is for the teachers and students to spend 30 min each day doing/learning something new that’s not school/work related.

I’m going to adopt this for myself. The trick is going to be to figure out what to do each day. I might have to have a jar or something to pick from. The possibilities are endless, but sometimes I just freeze when there are too many options.

What would you do if you took 30 minutes a day to just do or learn something?

Adventure Awaits

While Nik and I work hard to build a life we don’t need to escape from, I still like to get out of Dodge sometimes and experience new things.

There’s a big world out there and I want to experience as much as possible.

As the Universe would have it, for reasons we’re going to skip over for now, a trip to the West Coast became seemingly prudent. It also turned out that I had the time off in my PTO, the miles in my Southwest account, and not a whole lot on my schedule.

Why West Coast? My cousin and his wife live in Seattle. But I suppose I should add that calling them “my cousin’s wife” isn’t accurate.

Well it is, but it doesn’t offer the depth of the friendship I’ve developed with them over the last 10ish years. My cousin couldn’t have picked a more perfect person to add to our family. They’re kind, smart, open minded, loving, funny, and compassionate. They’re fierce, loyal, (mostly) enjoy the ridiculousness of this wild ride of life, and laugh with me.

They’ve been light in some dark times, levity in heavy moments, and human in times when the world has been hard. And they might be the only other person (besides Broski) to even come close to understanding that which is my brain.

Wow that got deep fast. Dang fingers.

Anyway. I turned the planning over to them and said, “I’ve never been there before, I’m up for anything you want to do, and don’t worry about super touristy things. If I can get a post card of it, I probably don’t need to see it in person.”

I made a few requests such as getting gluten free fried chicken and maybe some haunted stuff? I like to eat and see things I’ve never seen before. Kitchi is great, art is cool. Ridiculous (the good kind) is welcome.

I know there’s kayaking and dominos on the agenda, Portland for a couple of days, and likely good food and drinks. Possibly tattoos. Who knows where the will take us?!

I can’t wait. Also, because I’ve done none of the planning, I’m kind of nervous…

I don’t usually hand over scheduling to others, but I’m working at being outside of my comfort zone, so I’m just going to roll with it.  Besides, what could be better? Hanging out with two of my favorite people and not being at my desk?

I’m in.

Join me for a cup of coffee?

My sleep is out of whack again so I’m writing this much earlier than I’d actually like to be awake.

It’s not uncommon for me with the insomnia or after having been sick. It’s like my brain and body are conspiring against me having my days and nights sorted out.

You know what that means? Extra coffee! (Possibly the wrong answer, but I’m working on it.)

So what’s in your cup? I have regular flavored coffee with oat milk and a little bit of cinnamon sugar. It’s Nik strength but I guess I’ve gotten used to it? I “need” to get some apple syrup because that coffee was really fricken good. Yes, I made some, but it’s really not quite the same.

(By the way, the coffee at the hotel we stayed at while we were at Disney? Possibly the worst hotel coffee I’ve ever had…and I’ve stayed in a LOT of hotels that had awful coffee. What was the worse coffee you’ve ever had?)

How was your week? I was feeling a lot better early in the week so I was insanely productive. I still managed to be productive the second half of the week, but in a less insane kind of way. (Essentially, I got what I needed to do done, but not in any sort of energetic way.)

Do you have anything fun planned this weekend? Tonight we’re seeing the high school play. Saturday, I’ll be at the store and Nik will take the shorter one to a birthday party. Sunday, I’m off and life permitting, I’ll see another local high school play with a mom friend! YAY MOM FRIEND DATE.

I might drink some wine, read one of my books, and/or craft (crochet/knit/play with the Cricut.) I’ll hang out with Nik and Mazzy too.

I know. I live a very exciting life…sure it doesn’t look much like my life 10, 15, 20 years ago, but I’m okay with that.

Although, I do wish I could still wear all my pretty shoes out and about. I do miss that. And having more take out options. Oh, and the whole gluten free thing is for the birds, but I do it anyway.

As content and happy as you are now, what do you miss from your life 10, 15, 20 years ago?

We did it! (And I did it.)

We’ve wanted to take the kids on a legit vacation for a long time, preferably to Florida, but for many reasons, it wasn’t in the stars until last week. Truthfully, with one of us puking on the dining room floor mere minutes before we were to leave, it almost didn’t happen.

But we went, we had an over all great time. The kids agreed that it was worth smaller birthdays and Christmas gifts to go on such an adventure. (And it was an adventure! They fed camels and goats then pet kangaroos and a sloth! They made new friends! They went to Disney, EPCOT, and the beach! We stayed at South of the Border! I took Nik to one of my favorite restaurants in the Daytona area. As I expected, he LOVED it. (North Turn if you’re wondering.)

Lots of memories were made, fun was had, and love was shared. Yes, we ALL had our moments of less than exceptional behavior, but we made it through the less than stellar moments and onto the next good time. We packed a lot into just a few days. Maybe too much? Likely too much. Next time, we know better.

We did it. We gave the kids a super awesome vacation and adventure! Hopefully, these memories last a LONG time.

It was also the first time I’ve truly been away from work(s) since March 2020 when I changed my flight home so if the world did shut down, I’d be home with Nik and the kids, not 1,200 miles away. While I’ve taken a few days off here and there, there was always work to get done, emails to answer, designs to work up, or research to do.

I let my bosses know I was not taking my laptop or tablet so I wouldn’t have access to files. I took my work email app off my home screen.  While I was away I answered precisely one email and one text. (The email was only because I had forgotten to click send on something before I left.)

It was weird to be disconnected from my work after it being such a focus for so long, but I ended up reading 3 1/2 books just for fun, crocheted just because, and ended up with some fun design concepts in my notes. I tried that thing called “relaxing” (again) and it ended up being a little less uncomfortable than before. I still don’t like it, it’s still uncomfortable, but I find that if I have a book or something “productive” to do while I disconnect, it’s a little less so.

I did it. I took a legitimate break.

Can I do it again?

T3: This year

I took the month of January to ease into the new year. I know that I’m more of a jump-into-the-deep-end kind of person, but maybe that’s not what 2024 needs. If we do things the same way, we get the same results, right?

I want to thrive this year, not just survive which I think is going to take a more thoughtful approach to what I’m doing. Last year was complicated, messy, and if I’m being honest…a whole lot of flying by the seat of my pants, putting out fires, and reacting. I really would like to keep all that to a minimum.

In an effort to keep this year’s concepts as simple as possible, I’ve distilled my focus to three things:

1. Consumption
2. Kindness
3. Completion

You can stop there if you want, but I’ll explain a little more below.

Consumption:

I’ve come to realize (maybe late to the game) that everything I put into my body, mind, and home impacts me and those around me. Being mindful of what I eat and drink is a brainer and seems like an easy place to start. More veggies and proteins, less sugar and booze, then go from there.

But there’s a lot more that I consume…media for one, conversations and experiences for another. I listen to a LOT of dark podcasts. I read a lot of mysteries (not just cozy ones either) some are heavy and dark. I watch a lot of dark and sometimes violent TV shows and movies.

I’ve had a long-time rule for myself that I do not read or watch anything I know will make me cry. I’m going to be more careful with that and make sure I don’t spend too much time with the darkness, too.

And general darkness. Venting is one thing, sitting in the darkness or negativity is another. It’s okay to be mad, really frustrated, or feel sad about a situation, but dwelling on it doesn’t help. Flip the script, reframe it, move through it, and find the strength and kindness in your heart to let it go.

Also shopping. I don’t know that I need to say more about that.

Overall, I will be more mindful about what I’m exposing my whole self to. (And it might mean cutting back on coffee.)

Kindness:

I tend to be a kind person. I fully believe that we are good people first and good —-insert the blank— next. There’s a big but to that though…I am not kind to myself. I know this and am working on it. This coming year, I’m going to be more kind to me, my body, and my world around me. I’m going to continue to put kindness out into the world, but also make it a point to put it back into myself.

As part of this, I’m participating in the Trevor Project’s 29 Acts of Kindness Challenge in February. There’s a fundraising component I’m choosing not to do, but the idea is to do one kind thing every day. It doesn’t have to be big. Today, I’m scheduled to donate blood. I have a few other ideas up my sleeves (promoting small businesses, leaving little blessings to be found, donations, paying some things forward etc.) Regardless of how much I already do, a little extra kindness never hurts. (And I’m going to have the kids help me too.)

I think the most challenging part for me will be learning to be kind to myself.

Completion:

I don’t think it surprises many who meet me that I’m an idea person. I am not generally an implementation person and even more rarely do I finish things that I start. I get bored. I get distracted. I run out of supplies or je ne sais quoi on any given project. This year I’m going to try harder to finish what I start. I’m off to a good start. In January alone, I finished 18 crochet projects that were in various states of being done. 18.

While some projects are more complicated or require just MORE of something I don’t have, I will finish what I start more than I don’t.

We’ll see how the year goes. I have come to embrace and believe in progress over perfection, that life isn’t a straight, paved, walkway towards goals and we have to sometimes cha-cha over mud and hills which randomly light on fire!

One of my favorite life coaches often reminds us that we don’t need to know the entire journey, but just take the first step.

What are you working on this year having? What’s your first step this year?

Oh, irony is a sweet Li’l bitch sometimes

As we get closer to the end of 2023, I’m starting my reflection of the last year, what I’ve accomplished for me, etc.
Not. A. Damn. Thing. I looked at the board I track my goals/ideas/etc. on and it was still the hashtag for 2022 with a few options for 2023. Oh the irony doesn’t escape me that I lost an entire year of taking better care of myself… for 2023 had the overarching goal of taking better care of me…in fact, my hashtag (that didn’t even make my board) was #2023forme. No, not original, but maybe keeping it simple would make it stick? Clearly, it didn’t

Okay so the above wasn’t totally true, but the list of things I wanted to accomplish? I don’t even know where it went let alone what was on it.

I have achieved almost nothing I set out to do. I don’t even know what the goals were, but I know I’m heavier, have roughly 5% of what I wanted to save, saved, and am less patient (although mileage varies on this one). I am behind at work and anything else that I could have possibly wanted to be better at.

A friend of mine and I were commiserating on our “lack” of what we’ve accomplished last year. I looked at them and said the following, “It was a weird year, everything came in waves of whatever it was and then you started to stand back up again, you’d get hit by something else. By the time you figured out what you needed help with? It needed to get done, be done, or have already been done. Then it was time to get hit again.”

Sometimes in the quiet of night, when it’s just me, with Maz snoring by my side and fireplace providing the light and soundtrack, I put pen to paper and actually write.

I wrote this the other night…

It was a year of being in survival mode…but i survived
an unexpected bill, a slow week at the shop…a new job this won’t be the case
we have to go go go, but wait, stand around, so and so has to get that information to you, but they’re out…roll with it, bring your book/work in progress

three-four-five month long overwhelmed, depressed stretch…i relied heavily on toolbox tools and hacking my brain to get out, and i got out.
“they’re not actually your kids”…this one is still hard, working on it.
more work responsibilities handed to you to get done with a deadline that was long passed…and pulling it off
and here can you write this too? sure why not? (then being told how well it was done)

why didn’t you ask for help? i was so far into an unmanageable/unexpected situation, it was just survival mode, next time i’m there i’ll ask, hopefully I won’t have to.
do you know what end is up yet? here, get knocked down again…catch your breath and get up again.

don’t forget, you’re not enough…totally bullpucky. it’s jealousy and anxiety
“you forgot the sour cream again”, “we need more granola bars”…they’ll figure out something else to eat.

an in advisable decision even though your thoughts on it were asked…shrug, they might be wrong, you told them what you thought. you don’t have to own their mistakes
being told what an awful person you are…and friends/clients who remind you how much that’s not true, it’s just perspective
but being expected to keep on keeping on as if it’s all normal…maybe it is the new normal
“why can’t i have a discount on this bottle? you’re awful”…it’s not my decision, sorry!
oh? i stepped wrong and broke more egg shells? when do i get to stop caring? how they receive messages isn’t your fault unless you meant it that way

Here’s the good thing about last year. I did a LOT. I made people smile. I showed kindness to all I could. I gave comfort. I helped people get to their goals. I calmed people who were upset. I helped. I was a sounding board for people who needed to talk things out. I held space for others. I kept their stories/secrets safe. I was there, present, and engaged. I made the best of the crap at hand. I played hard and loved harder. We made memories, we laughed and loved. I was told recently by more than one person that for x, y, or z reasons, I’ve inspired them. And whenever I was knocked down, I got up again.

Sure I’m heavier, need to put more money away, and get back to being kinder to myself, but baby steps. We survived last year, weathered the storms, and came back stronger.

We survived. Now it’s time to thrive.

Stay tuned.

…but it’s you, I can say it…

For awhile now, I’ve noticed a pattern of people telling me things. Their harsh truths, the things they need to say but don’t have someone else to tell, their unpopular opinions, and secrets.

Sometimes they’re sharing wonderful news they just have to share with someone, but don’t want it to be “out there yet”. (Pregnancies, engagements, new jobs/opportunities, new relationships, grad school admittance, etc.) More often though it’s in the context of “XYZ is what I’m supposed to say, but THIS is how it really is.”

Sometimes, all they share is their statement, sometimes there’s a back story, or reasoning. I don’t require any of it, but if they need to share that too, that’s fine. Sometimes they just needed to say it out loud.

It’s a little weird being the depository of all of this news and information but I’m okay with this dynamic. I don’t mind being the Truth Holder. A face to share your story with the Universe if you’re not comfortable just saying it.

I didn’t expect it, but this has increased tenfold since working at a local liquor store. Strangers sharing their fears, something special about a recently lost loved one, tidbits about their families and lives. Sometimes what they share is wild. Sometimes it’s simple. I usually thank them for sharing.

It’s a gift that people share their Truths with me, but also I’ve had to let it go when the truths are heavy. I hold space in my heart, room in my prayers, and reserve judgement.

The Truths go into the vault and are safe there.

Made it Monday

It seems like we’ve blinked and 10 months have zoomed passed us. Did we go to sleep in January and wake up today? There have been enough wacky/nightmarish happenings this year to perhaps have been considered dreams, but I looked in the mirror and I’ve aged so I’m pretty sure it all happened. Sometimes my dreams make it hard to tell though. They can be wild. (There have been some lovely, happy, and wonderful happenings too. It hasn’t all been weird/bad!) But we made it this far. We’ve made memories, crafts/art, mistakes, and things right again. We’ve made great food, lovely mocktails/cocktails, and more memories. We’ve made messes, requests for help, decisions, advances, relationships stronger, and new friends. I’ve made some progress in keeping things balanced. The summer and early fall were rough with the schedule and me not being good/able to say “No thank you,” when being invited to do things or take on responsibilities. Lately, I’ve really been sticking to “What adds value to my life and/or is reflective of who/what/where I want to be next year?” I’ve also made the decision to say, “I’m sorry, my plate is as full as I’d like it right now.” That led to a couple of grumpy people who didn’t like that answer. I’m not sorry though, it turns out, I don’t need to take on everything just to please others. Shocking, I know. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for stopping by and reading. I have a lot of words that need to come out so hopefully there will be more updates to this space.  If you’re new here, say hello and introduce yourself. If you’re not, say hi too. I miss this space, the community it once was, and likely, you. What have you been making?

It’s never too late for a restart

My dear friend Nicolette reminds us often that it’s not to late to change course, restart, or recommit. (Follow her, you won’t regret it.)

And you don’t have to wait for a special time. You can literally restart any time. ANY TIME.

I’ve gotten away from my yoga practice. Yes, I still breathe and do some stretching, but no BS answer, I haven’t done more than 10 minutes or used it more than situationally in months.

I haven’t even cracked a book for my training and I’d really like to finish that!

The thing about yoga and me is that it makes me a more mindful person overall. Food and beverage choices, interactions with others, daily decisions, how kind I am to myself. When I’m in the zone, I’m literally a better version of myself. (That’s not to say it’s perfect, nothing is. I’m just better)

So why don’t I do it all the damn time?

I can say that there’s been too much going on with the kids activities and work stuff.
I can say that illness has kept me away from the mat.
I can tell you that I’m too damn tired.

I can blame it on my anxiety and not wanting to be alone in my own head.
And I can say that yoga is all around us, it’s not moves on a mat or blanket.

None of that is wrong.

What I’m not saying though is that I can make the time, but I haven’t. (Aside from the belly bug. That was not time to show up at the mat. Although now that I think about it, I was definitely in savasana (corpse pose) in the bathroom at least once.

Today, that changes. Today, I start again. It just so happens one of my favorites, Adriene, has put out a 30 day journey entitled, Center.

Fitting – getting back to center is just what I need.

Thanks Universe, I see you and I appreciate you.

And this will be a fantastic lead in to one of my other favorites, Lauren’s next program, Practicing the Pause. As we go in to the school year, I suspect it will be most helpful. She has the uncanny ability to post the message I need to see most when I need it the most. (And she shares healthy snacks. I like snacks.) Follow her too. You won’t regret that either.