Kindergarten school work will NOT break me! Right?

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For the record, I can spell “Bark”.

We’re in the home stretch of crisis schooling. Cuomo willing, we’re inside a week! We got this!(?)

For the most part, it’s fine. It has been a delicate balance of work, school, work, school, late nights, some early mornings etc.

N is largely self sufficient with her classes and work and only has the occasional question. E needs a lot of support. She can do everything just fine, but she can’t read the lessons or instructions on a paper so…

Yeah.

Please let me start by saying, I adore E’s teacher. She is supportive, flexible, kind, and funny. She clearly loves her kiddos and her job. She’s young, but is a great teacher and was sort of the only thing E liked about kindergarten most days other than being bossy and coloring. She has a lot of calm energy about her and the communication was pretty good from what I could see. I know a bunch of the kids in the class from and she had her hands full!

All of the wonderful things I will say about her aside, I don’t know if I’ve ever been as let down by a teacher as I was by E’s on Thursday morning. Tuesday, she said that the writing assignment for the day was the last one! Thursday, there was another one!

Ga! My face fell. My heart hurt. I may have thought about crying, but I wasn’t going to let this break me. Okay, maybe it broke me just a little.

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By the way, we LOVE Jack Hartmann

I’ve done a lot of really hard things. Things I didn’t think I could do, things I wasn’t sure how I was going to pull off, things people didn’t believe in me about, but to say that E’s writing assignments challenged me in ways I didn’t know I could be stretched is an understatement.

There’s a few things I’m sure played into this. First of all, kindergarteners cannot spell. Nor can I. So that was, um, fun.

Also, last week, we discovered E likely needs glasses. If so, it’s not helping things and might explain a lot about her writing and reading dislikes.

E has truly wonderful stories rattling around in her head and a gift for telling them. I’m trying to cut a deal with her to draw the pictures and tell me the stories on video and I’ll do the typing.

She said, “We’ll see.”

Stay tuned.

 

This is a little all over the place, but I’m more all over the place than normal.

ExhaustedNo, that’s not a black eye there, that’s allergies and mental exhaustion. Yay super pale skin that shows everything.

Who’s with me on the mental exhaustion? I thought I was doing pretty well with everything, considered, but I was talking to my super fabulous coworker about how messed up my dreams are and how it’s jacking up my sleep in weird ways.

I mean I had one the other night about how someone gave me a horse with a broken hoof and I wasn’t allowed to give the horse away to someone who knew what they were doing. I had to take care of it and heal it. I kept misplacing the horse, which made it worse. I felt like a terrible person the whole time because not only did I not really want the horse, I couldn’t even take care of it. I didn’t even know the person who gave it to me either!

I’m sure there’s all sorts of symbolism to unpack in that little gem, but I’m not particularly in the mood to figure it out right now.

After getting a chuckle about my dream about the horse, my super fabulous coworker asked if I was feeling stressed. No, not more than usual actually. But then I realized that while I might be okay awake or THINK I’m okay awake, clearly my subconscious has other ideas.

Jerk subconscious.

I have a few dreams like that many nights. They’re not the kind of nightmares you wake up screaming from, but the kind that sit with you for a long time and make you feel bad, sad, confused, or hurt. When they don’t make you feel icky, they leave you with a feeling of “What the hell just happened?”

Anyway, I’m working on the mental exhaustion and underlying stress, feeling trapped at home, and all the other less than wonderful feelings right now. I’m doing my part so the front line has a smidge of an easier time with theirs. I’m trying to focus on the stuff I need to get done, but focus is even harder than usual.

I’ve done some etsy shopping to support others, bid on a piece of art a friend was selling (and it’s coming to live with me), watched some online music shows from friends, walk a lot with Mazzy, bake, and am trying to do creative things.

I’ve been trying to keep in touch with friends, and other things I’m told are good for me – like squats and planks. Sometimes I do interpretive dance to the song playing. 
Chicks

Some days are better than others, but I just keep reminding myself that I’m doing my part. I’m doing my part. I’m doing my part.

I know I’m incredibly lucky to be working where I am, to have some reserves, talent, and outlets.

I also have some things in the works which will make me smile more. A surprise flower bed for E. (Rainbow gladiolas that likely won’t be in ROYGBV order, but I think she’ll like them. I’m going to love them.) We’re working on getting the garden started and the chicken coop painted with names for the chickens. We have to start some new seedlings for some of the plants, it’s been cold and they aren’t doing as well. Frankly, some of them are kaput.

(By the way, I’ve made some super cute markers for the garden! I can’t wait for my laminator to get here to put them out. I do a post about the things I’ve been making soon.)

Hopefully, we’ll be getting a swing for the front porch and the flowers will come in, the chicks will produce eggs, and the garden will be bountiful giving me lots of other things to focus on.

If I have to work and be home all summer, it’s going to be as lovely, peaceful, and happy as I can make it. Damn it.

How are you doing? Any crazy dreams? How are your stress levels? What are you doing to stay sane?

 

Checking in.

Chickens
Oh, we got chickens too. G-d help me.

Well. Hi there.

Life is different now. I think you know that though? I’ll do a recap of March in the next few days, so let’s skip the recap part.

I know it’s late, but I haven’t felt like putting fingers to keys lately.

‘Rona, you’ve done us dirty.

Historically it seems like it’s time for something like this to happen, but we know better about these things so we should do better.

It would be helpful if people would do what they’re supposed to and stay home (for the most part) I get that it’s not fully realistic, but unless you HAVE to go somewhere? Please don’t!

The ironic part about my plea? I’m pretty sure anyone reading this is abiding by the “April distance brings May existence” motto.

(Thanks dude from fb who posted it first.)

You’re not the ones who need to hear it the most.

How much distance is needed though? There was a fb post about people not going for drives. But being on nature trails is okay? Go for the drive. Stay in the car.

I think the bigger problem is the hording, the government using human lives for political gain etc. That’s just yucky. Then again, it’s always felt yucky.

But I see a lot of good too. People helping, sharing, and making what needs to be made.

Maybe that’s why I’m okay. Or I was when I started this post 10 days ago. Stuff has changed in 10 days. I’m still okay, but it’s a weird okay.

Yesterday was harder than today, but today was more lonely. Some days are really hard. Some days less so.  But hey, that’s my usual, right? It just seems lower on the lows lately. Different (sometimes odd) things are triggering.

The loneliness is real.

I’m glad most of my friends are location independent, but it’s just not the same. There’s no hugs, no impromptu dinner with friends you run into at the pizza place – there’s barely a pizza place. There’s no scheduling dinner dates to sit and chat for hours. Yoga is closed and may not reopen at all…but I’m healthy and working so that’s good.

Most days I just feel like I’m going a little batty not being able to pop out to the store or meet friends for sushi, but we’ll have our time. Hopefully.

I’ve been working from home for 5 weeks now and it’s going decently well. I like it and I’m not as distracted as I thought I’d be. I also have the added bonus of better snacks and music than at the office and roughly three hours of my life back every day most days.

That part has been really nice.

I’m incredibly blessed in the job department currently. I got home from FL, went to the office, helped a couple of people get their remote stuff set up, and haven’t been back since. That was March 18th. Tomorrow is a full month that I’ve been home. There have been some bumps in that road, but over all, it’s been good.

I don’t know where I was going with this post other than to say that I’m okay. I’m keeping my world as normal as I can, helping with the kids half of the week, getting showered and dressed every day (you can see my outfits and coffee mug of the day in my Instagram Stories), and driving Nik nuts.

See? Pretty normal other than having to wear a mask when I leave the house and not going anywhere, ever.

Made it Monday: Spicy Honey Lime Shrimp

2020-03-09_01-30-30I have so many of these Made It Monday posts to catch up on! And some of them are SO good. And you know I will share (eventually) because I believe in sharing good food with the people I (probably) like.

This was a recent dinner and shouldn’t be posted for weeks if I’m working chronologically. However, I’m really excited to eat these left overs for lunch tomorrow so I’m going to share this one now. It’s sweet and spicy, buttery and gingery with some umami.

Besides, I do what I want.

I’m really trying to be more mindful of the meat I eat. I’m getting more plant based protein, but it’s still tough to get enough without being able to rely on wheat based items. I do like fish and shellfish, so I decided to get some of that in the rotation.

Can I tell you how much I love shrimp. It was a long decade when they thought I was allergic to shellfish. (When they actually tested me for it after 10 years of keeping away from it, I wasn’t allergic to it. Was I ever? Who knows.)

Anyway.

I went onto Pinterest for inspiration and found this recipe. Oh dear that looks good.

Darn it, I was out of some of the ingredients, tired, and didn’t feel like braving the storm that is the grocery store after work. Besides, I couldn’t get behind using a few others on shrimp (cinnamon? nutmeg?) so I did what I do and used it as a suggestion.

The original recipe was for 1/2 a KG (about a pound) but it was just me eating it so I only defrosted about half a pound. I cheat when I buy shrimp and by the frozen ones that are already been de-veined and peeled.

These things happen. Also, they were on sale.

You’re going to need:

– 1/2 lb of shrimp
– 4 (big) cloves of garlic (it was closer to a quarter of a cup)
– 1/2 heaping teaspoon of ginger paste
– 1/4 scant TSP of chili flakes
– 1/2 a TSP of black pepper
– 2 heaping TBSP of honey
– 1 TBSP of soy sauce
– 1 TBSP of olive oil
– 3 TBSP Lime Juice
– 3 TBSP butter
– 1 bag frozen stir fry veggies

Thaw shrimp. Mince your garlic and put in a small glass bowl. Add the ginger, chili flakes, pepper, honey, soy sauce, and olive oil. Mix until well combined. Put shrimp in bowl and cover it with the marinade mix. Let sit for 40-60 minutes. (You could probably use this much marinade for a full pound of shrimp.)

Add lime juice, stir well, and let sit for 10-15 minutes more.

Right after you put the lime juice in the marinade, put butter in large frying/saute pan.

Let it melt on medium, then add bag of stir fry veggies. You don’t even have to defrost them. Move them around the pan a bunch so nothing is over cooked. When they start to soften, move all of the veggies to make an outside ring.

Now. Place the shrimp and the garlic etc in the middle of the pan. I used a fork to get the pieces out of the marinade, but not too much of the liquid. When the shrimp are turning mostly pink, mix everything back together. Finish cooking. Serve over rice if you want, but I don’t bother making it just for me.

I couldn’t believe how wonderful this was. It was sweet and spicy. It was garlicky and citrusy. I hadn’t even finished my first few bites when I had already decided I was making it again.

Now, Nik won’t eat this in the shrimp version, but I’ll try it as a chicken dish and see what he says.

Do you believe recipes are gospel and need to be followed to the letter? Or are you more of a “recipes are inspiration” kind of person?

Court’s 2020: Chapter 2, February

ColdI used to do The Good Stuff posts because I believe in sharing the good things big and small, but I also think being more transparent about the low-lights reel is possibly more important. One of my virtual friends posted about her Chapter 1 of 2020 on her Instagram and it resonated with me in a big way, so here we are.

Oh February, you were cold! You were also filled with warmth, love, fun, proud moments and good food.

I know I dropped balls left and right and am sure there were crappy times too, but as I sit here to type this, it feels like it was more good than bad, which is lovely.

I can only think of a few icky things that happened off the top of my head. I don’t think I need to think or dig deeper than that just to come up with negativity. I’ll keep the lessons learned and carry the good times forward.

Thank you February. The tl;dr version would say something like, “Grace and hugs were  given, punches were rolled with, and we laughed.”

If you’d like to read more, please keep reading…

I started taking a bit of time for myself – even if it was folding laundry alone while Nik did something with the kids or I put Mazzy in her kennel for a couple of hours so I could get something done at home. I started playing with my Cricut and worked at getting the desk organized.  (I’m still working on that part, but I’ve made progress!)

I did attack the massive pile of mending which has just been growing for the past [insert more months than I care to admit here] months. But hey, other than one pair of pants which I need to find the thread for, it’s done! (For now, until the kids show up with a tear in their pant or ask me to fix a hole in a favorite sock, or I find a hem that needs repair.)

And we had the following really great moments:

  • Valentine’s Day decorating
  • Pancakes
  • Mazzy learning the “rules” and “tricks”
  • Surprising the girls with different things (movies, special lunches, etc)
  • A good cry clearing out the sinuses
  • Cutting myself some slack, giving myself permission to not finish something I didn’t like, and putting some of my needs at the top of the list.
  • Laughs, oh the laughs. There were so many laughs this month.
  • Softball clinics for the kids on Sunday. I love my softball friends!

Mazzy is getting so big! We had to get her weighed to know what dose of heart worm meds to get her. In a little under two months with us, she’s doubled her weight. The vet moved her estimated full size up another 10 lbs.  Mazzy has learned a lot, but we’re also learning a lot from her. She’s a love, filled with sass, loves to cuddle (on her terms), and mostly wants to make us happy. Mostly. Sometimes she’s a flat out jerk.

Other than that, I’ve read a lot more, spent time with the kiddos during the school break, watched basketball games and softball clinics, caught up on Criminal Minds, and have just been trying to be my best self and reminding myself that 100% some days might not be quite as much as 100% other days. Turns out I’m human and there’s an ebb and flow to my abilities.

Along with the books I’ve read, I’ve read a lot of articles too. Here are a few of my favorites I wanted to share.

Work is work and it’s there. I do my best so most of my people are happy. There’s a different thing to focus on every day and I recently completed a huge update to some of our work due to a massive law change surrounding student data privacy. We have a new executive director at the office and many of us are seeing how it goes before we decide if we’re sticking around or not.

I’ve been doing more work in the crafting stuff: custom quick designs, cake toppers, t-shirts. It’s tempting to take them to a craft show, but I don’t love craft shows. Maybe I’ll see about a new Etsy shop or online otherwise. Or maybe (more likely) I’ll keep it to custom work and stay able to say “yes” or “no” as I can do it.

Some of the crafting has or will soon be in house updates. Nik made me a mail sorter for my desk and a plant table! Photos to follow soon, once I get another couple of projects done.

Thank you February 2020, for the lessons, the love, the memories, and the smiles. I’m ready to take what I need to know or to have learned from it and move on.

How about you? How was your second chapter of 2020?

Lent and the recovering Catholic

LentEven though we went to church almost every week as kids (and if we were home during college), Lent wasn’t something we did.

I think the first time I participated in it was post college with a guy I was casually dating. By the end of Lent, I had given him up, but I finished out the 40 days.

While Lent (for my non-Christian readers who haven’t asked or googled it) is a reflection of what Jesus gave up for his followers sins. (Incoming blasphemous statement! I don’t believe he did that per se, but that’s a topic for another day.)

My complicated relationship with religion aside, I see validity in some practices. Lent is one of them.

“Ash Wednesday, and the whole season of Lent, invites us to turn away from what doesn’t matter and turn toward what does matter.”

(From here– you might read it, there’s a lot of stuff to think about in it.)

By the way, it isn’t lost on me that the 40 days takes us through the start of Spring, when nature starts over, too.

So I’m participating in Lent this year. A secular version, but participating none the less. It won’t be like the year I gave up meat or another when I gave up peanut butter. (GAH!)

While there is some “giving up” on my list, it’s more of a giving up distractions than actual or actions. Some of it will be to “cleanse” my home (mental/physical/actual) and reset. Some will be to refocus. Some will be for my heart.

I’ve already taken my social media apps off my phone, tablet, and off my homescreen on my computer itself. It’s weird not checking in, but I want to see just how much I miss some of the “give-ups” at the end of the time.  Much like the guy I was seeing all those years ago, but unlike the peanut butter, I suspect I won’t miss them all that much.

Are you participating in Lent?

 

Throwback Thirsty Thursday

Fotor_156254983049744 This is an old pic from the rental house. I miss the bamboo privacy fence and the log bench in front of the fire pit he built me for Mother’s Day. 

It had been muggy and hot for days on end. Everything felt gross, but the flora was thriving. It was almost like I lived in a jungle but with groundhogs and deer.

The particular day was a sticky, hot, and there was a storm coming in fsat. Both Nik and I were out dealing with the lawn and what not so we could get it done before it started to pour, leaving us really living in a jungle!

We finished with less than an hour to spare so the hurried sweat added to our gross. While Nik got cleaned up, I was sitting on the log, waiting to do the same.

But before I went out to be a bump on a log, I thought I’d pour a drink. I was already a little dizzy from the heat and sweating, so I decided a mocktail would be better than a tall glass of iced wine.

I found a bag of blueberries in the freezer and plunked them in the glass with some ice sticks on top. Blueberry Lemon seltzer went over that.

It wasn’t fancy, but it was light and refreshing with the blueberries creating little ice capsules to crunch on while I waited for the rain to start.

When it did start, boy did it come down. I sat on my log sipping my drink as the warm water fell hard on and around me.

It didn’t help with the heat or humidity, but the bamboo did get taller that day.

In full disclosure, Tuesday night after a crap ton of bs, when I poured the wine into the pan for dinner, I poured half a glass for myself and filled it with ice. I’m not totally in the mocktail life, but I’m drinking a lot less than I was…and that’s a lot less calories too!

 

Court’s 2020: Chapter 1, January

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I’m still working out promises I can keep to myself.

I used to do The Good Stuff posts because I believe in sharing the good things big and small, but I also think being more transparent about the low-lights reel is possibly more important. One of my virtual friends posted about her Chapter 1 of 2020 on her Instagram and it resonated with me in a big way.

A big part of me thinks the title of this chapter otherwise known as January should be “The longest Meh” because that’s how I felt most of the time and goodness this was a long month.  However, doing so would be disregarding the great things that went down and we can’t have that.

How about “Meh, My Loves, and Mazzy’s Mayhem”

The tl;dr version would say something like, “It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it wasn’t all bad.”

If you’d like to read more, please keep reading…

There was a lot of basketball, coffee, walks with Mazzy, playing, crafting, Minecraft for the kiddos, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up or taking something away from Mazzy, mocktails, reading on the Kindle app in the dark, and the following really great moments:

  • Sweet Mazzy’s greeting when I get home from work
  • Grabbing the picture just as N takes a shot and makes it
  • Apricot Mustard Marinade on Tuna
  • Nik reaching for me in the middle of the night.
  • Hugs from the kids as we go our separate ways in the morning.
  • I got a library card, but was seriously dismayed that due to scheduling, I can’t be part of the library board.

We also had a lot of not listening, attitude, and not cooperating from everyone (kids, adults, and pup alike). There was a lot of frustration and even tears.

The most challenging I think was Mazzy. She can be a little shit and difficult. We’re still working on the nipping. It’s hard. She also sometimes (maybe when she’s mad at us?) pees inside, most recently on the donation pile on the floor and on our bed. (Laundry has been washed.) She knows better so we’re not sure why she does it. (She also does it more when we’re home with her for the day than when we’re at work.)

We also came dreadfully close to running out of oil. That was super uncomfortable. We have electric heater back up and the fireplace, but it just felt bad in my head. We’re grown-ups this isn’t something that we’re supposed to let happen. (We have a plan in place now and are looking into getting a hot water heater that isn’t part of the furnace.)

It all works out, though. We learn, forgive, move on, and love even more. There are more pics over on my Instagram.

I’ve been reading more. Along with the Kindle books I’m working though to review, I read a lot of articles. Most were recommended by my pocket. Here’s some of the better ones.

So true. When I’m really down, helping others helps me more than them, I think.

To put it more simply: The people who said they excel at self-control were hardly using it at all.”

Hm. This is something to think about…

  • Another thing to think about…How ‘Namaste’ Flew Away From Us.  This is an interesting look at language appropriation and getting it wrong. While I got rid of my “Namasty” shirt because I couldn’t get the gym smell out and it was so faded, but I’m going to be much more conscious of this going forward.

I haven’t been listening to as many podcasts. Instead of  stories of murder and hurt, I have been borrowing audio books from the library. While I tend to choose mysteries, most of the story isn’t about the crime itself, it’s about solving the puzzle which isn’t as hard on my heart and brain.

The first I borrowed was The Recipe for a Perfect Housewife by Karma Brown. The current one is Curious Minds by Janet Evanovich and Phoef Sutton. While I’m enjoying the listen, I don’t know if I like the perfectly polished voices of the people reading them. This is especially true for books where the characters are described in a particular way so you think they should have a particular sound to their voices. I’ll get into this more when I review them.

There isn’t much going on on the work front other than me getting stuff done. I’m not involved in this year’s workshop and have opted out of pitching a program for convention. This is just fine by me. Last year was really overwhelming. I managed everything alright, but I’m ready to focus on other things at my desk.

I think that’s about all I have to say about January 2020, I’m ready to take what I need to know or to have learned from it and move on. How about you? How was your first chapter of 2020?

 

Thirsty Thursday – Mocktails it is – for now

No booze
I’m writing this because I got a few “OMG are you pregnant?!?!” messages when I posted this on Instagram the other day.
No, not pregnant.

I love wine. Almost as much as I love coffee.

I also haven’t had a glass of wine in 12 days (at the time of writing this). Before that, it was probably a week or two.

No, that doesn’t seem like much, but for someone who would have a glass or two of wine every evening, grab a gf beer from the fridge, or splash some vodka in my seltzer on a regular basis, it feels like a long time.

I didn’t feel like I was overdoing it. Really, it felt like a friend holding my hand while I processed my day, settled into the evening, and blowing off some steam sometimes.

It wasn’t a conscious decision at first, I just didn’t feel like drinking. I mean sure, the holiday season had a lot of tasty boozy beverages, but Mazzy had me up so damn early every day I didn’t really feel like having  more than a glass of wine or a beer at the end of the day. I was far too tired to enjoy it. Sometimes even too tired to finish it.

Regardless of if I want to drink it, I shouldn’t waste it.

About a week into the new year, I realized I didn’t even feel like that anymore. I was drinking seltzer with some lemonade or just water over lots of ice. I’d have half a glass of wine here and there filled with ice.  (I like it as close to a slushy as possible.)

Then Nik and I had a date night at home with delicious dinner, dessert, and movies. I had a few too many glasses of wine.

Holy crap I felt like garbage. Worse than I had felt in years.

It was a lovely, happy, loving, and filled with laughter. It turned less lovely when I woke up in a start, sweating, and shaking because my sugar was bottoming out around 3 am. That’s generally not a good time.

Other than a desire here and there for brief moments, I haven’t wanted wine, beer, or a cocktail. (Although the other day – after having a DAY – it was hella tempting to put a splash of vodka in my cranberry/seltzer mix. I didn’t have any that would go well.)

Will this change tonight? Maybe? Tomorrow night? Who knows. I might consciously do a month and see how I feel after that. I haven’t decided.

So what was I drinking above?No booze

Glass filled with ice, about half a cup of cran-grape juice, which was topped off with grapefruit bubly. (I didn’t get paid to mention any of these, it’s just what I had on hand.)

It was too sweet at first, so I sucked out a bunch of the juice and put more seltzer in. That was much better.

I’ve lost a few pounds, my skin looks better, and it’s certainly been easier to get up in the morning with Mazzy than it was before.

It could very well be I’m just adjusting to the new schedule, but it could also be that my body isn’t spending energy processing alcohol and extra sugar so it can really rest. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m still tired, it’s just easier to get out of bed.)

I think I’ll keep this up and see where it goes. I don’t have to not drink, but right now it’s what I’m choosing.

I’m going to keep sharing the more interesting mocktails I make. You can add wine or whatever of your choice to them (no judgement here) or not. Your call. Besides, some of them are really pretty so if nothing else, it’ll add a splash of color to your glass-er day.

 

“You’re depressed, dummy”.

2020-01-27_03-46-25You know when yoga instructors tell you to clear your head? I’ve never been very good at that. (Go figure.) I thought I was failing at part of my practice because I couldn’t get the mental aspect.

But one day, Ashley (my favorite instructor ever), told me if it was stressing me out to try to clear my head, not to try.

She said, “Acknowledge the thought you’re having and tell it you’ll come back later if it’s still there. ”

You’d be surprised how many aren’t there after 45 minutes of focused movement and breathing. And sweat. I did a lot of hot yoga.

Since that day, I walk into every practice experience ready to hear what my brain and heart need to tell me, but I don’t dwell on anything. If it’s important enough to my brain after we breathe and stretch, I’ll deal with it then.

I encourage my students to do the same.

Before teaching Sunday, I was hanging from the sling when it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, I was depressed. Actually, I heard a little voice whisper, “You’re depressed, dummy”.

I had been feeling off – detached, exhausted, restless, unable to focus, forgetful, going through the motions of life, and a little moody for at least a week, maybe two (maybe longer, it’s hard to pinpoint). At first I thought I was just tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. Nightmares have been back and bad, vivid enough to visit me during the day. I thought maybe I needed more uplifting less murdery podcasts to listen to, so I added some different ones into the mix. I tried to do something creative. I set a couple of small goals.

I know what I need to do to “fix” me. This isn’t my first rodeo.

After a couple more days of feeling like this, I examined my diet for any possible gluten contamination and was really careful about what I was eating. I made sure I was drinking water, and with Mazzy, I’m getting more activity than ever…but I still kicked it up a notch when we walked.

Before I set off to teach Sunday, I was almost ready to call my doctor to ask for blood work to see what levels were fucocked. Other times it’s my vitamin B, D or Thyroid. It’s not a big deal, we fix it and move on. Except I’ve been super good about taking my vitamins and even more careful about taking my other meds correctly.

I don’t talk about being depressed as much as the anxiety because my depression comes and goes. It doesn’t stick around for all that long usually and there’s almost always a defining cause I can point to. Once I identify it for what it is, I have a whole host of tricks up my sleeve to do until it passes or I shake myself out of it.

The trick is to identify it. Depression can be a tricky leopard and change it’s spots.

This last bout, that I’m still working through even as I type this, hasn’t been the usual sadness, random sobbing, over/lack of eating, feeling worthless, with anxiety dialed up to 11 that I usually face when I’m depressed. These symptoms have been different. (And they are starting to ease up.)

I’m starting to feel more like myself.

I’m lucky that it comes and goes.

I’m lucky that I was able to spend some time in therapy to address things and to have tools to work through things. I’m also willing (and able) to go back.

Not everyone is that lucky. I understand that more than many may.

I don’t write this for any particular reason other than to share in case someone else is struggling but doesn’t know why. I was doing everything as right as I can and it still hit me. I know it’s temporary and this will pass, but it was a good reminder that there isn’t always a rhyme or reason, causes can be as nebulous as the fog you’re in.