Oh, irony is a sweet Li’l bitch sometimes

As we get closer to the end of 2023, I’m starting my reflection of the last year, what I’ve accomplished for me, etc.
Not. A. Damn. Thing. I looked at the board I track my goals/ideas/etc. on and it was still the hashtag for 2022 with a few options for 2023. Oh the irony doesn’t escape me that I lost an entire year of taking better care of myself… for 2023 had the overarching goal of taking better care of me…in fact, my hashtag (that didn’t even make my board) was #2023forme. No, not original, but maybe keeping it simple would make it stick? Clearly, it didn’t

Okay so the above wasn’t totally true, but the list of things I wanted to accomplish? I don’t even know where it went let alone what was on it.

I have achieved almost nothing I set out to do. I don’t even know what the goals were, but I know I’m heavier, have roughly 5% of what I wanted to save, saved, and am less patient (although mileage varies on this one). I am behind at work and anything else that I could have possibly wanted to be better at.

A friend of mine and I were commiserating on our “lack” of what we’ve accomplished last year. I looked at them and said the following, “It was a weird year, everything came in waves of whatever it was and then you started to stand back up again, you’d get hit by something else. By the time you figured out what you needed help with? It needed to get done, be done, or have already been done. Then it was time to get hit again.”

Sometimes in the quiet of night, when it’s just me, with Maz snoring by my side and fireplace providing the light and soundtrack, I put pen to paper and actually write.

I wrote this the other night…

It was a year of being in survival mode…but i survived
an unexpected bill, a slow week at the shop…a new job this won’t be the case
we have to go go go, but wait, stand around, so and so has to get that information to you, but they’re out…roll with it, bring your book/work in progress

three-four-five month long overwhelmed, depressed stretch…i relied heavily on toolbox tools and hacking my brain to get out, and i got out.
“they’re not actually your kids”…this one is still hard, working on it.
more work responsibilities handed to you to get done with a deadline that was long passed…and pulling it off
and here can you write this too? sure why not? (then being told how well it was done)

why didn’t you ask for help? i was so far into an unmanageable/unexpected situation, it was just survival mode, next time i’m there i’ll ask, hopefully I won’t have to.
do you know what end is up yet? here, get knocked down again…catch your breath and get up again.

don’t forget, you’re not enough…totally bullpucky. it’s jealousy and anxiety
“you forgot the sour cream again”, “we need more granola bars”…they’ll figure out something else to eat.

an in advisable decision even though your thoughts on it were asked…shrug, they might be wrong, you told them what you thought. you don’t have to own their mistakes
being told what an awful person you are…and friends/clients who remind you how much that’s not true, it’s just perspective
but being expected to keep on keeping on as if it’s all normal…maybe it is the new normal
“why can’t i have a discount on this bottle? you’re awful”…it’s not my decision, sorry!
oh? i stepped wrong and broke more egg shells? when do i get to stop caring? how they receive messages isn’t your fault unless you meant it that way

Here’s the good thing about last year. I did a LOT. I made people smile. I showed kindness to all I could. I gave comfort. I helped people get to their goals. I calmed people who were upset. I helped. I was a sounding board for people who needed to talk things out. I held space for others. I kept their stories/secrets safe. I was there, present, and engaged. I made the best of the crap at hand. I played hard and loved harder. We made memories, we laughed and loved. I was told recently by more than one person that for x, y, or z reasons, I’ve inspired them. And whenever I was knocked down, I got up again.

Sure I’m heavier, need to put more money away, and get back to being kinder to myself, but baby steps. We survived last year, weathered the storms, and came back stronger.

We survived. Now it’s time to thrive.

Stay tuned.